As many of you might know, I am currently on dialysis and have been since 2009. What alot of people don't know--I'm not sure if I mentioned it--is WHY I agreed to do dialysis in the first place.
I got very sick with my kidneys and throwing up constantly for about 3 months straight, in which I lost 90 pounds and quite literally almost died. Like I was so close to death, that I had actually made peace with God because I did not think I would live much longer. I was malnourished because nothing stayed down--everything, even water came back up. I was weak, blood vessels in my eyes were breaking so my eyes were blood shot all the time.
I was a wreck. And i was tired. By the time I was actually diagnosed with kidney failure, I was vomitting three times a day. It took another three weeks for me t get used to eating and food again.
The docs came around talking about dialysis and at first I was against it. You know I resigned to the idea that I was going to die at the age of 22--I'm 26 now.
Sometime in between going ot the ER, Michael Jackson happened.
Alot of people wonder why I cling so hard to Michael Jackson and his memory and love him and give up so much for him and put so much time into things that revolve around him.
If it weren't for Michael. I'd have been dead years ago.
The only reason I agreed to dialysis was for Michael. It wasn't cause I wanted to live or anything like what a "normal" person would do it for. I started it simply for Michael. Because my father promised to take me to see him on the This Is It tour.
Michael managed to live just long enough for me to get started on dialysis.
Then on June 25, he was gone.
And I've kind of struggled with mortality the last three years, if that makes sense. Because to be honest, if I had gotten a "no" about seeing Michael live, I know in my heart, I'd have turned down the dialysis and died.
Now, I just really kind of struggle with it.
Like I'm here, and Michael's not and I REALLY HATE dialysis with a blind passion.
It is so depressing to me to be in a room full of sick people--who are all enough to be my grandparents. And every so often, someone does drop dead. In three years on dialysis, I personally know seven people who died. i mean I even saw one guy die before my eyes. His heart stopped and he was gone. I'm 26. I should be enjoying the dawn of my life. Not watching other ones end.
I am just in a place where I would like to stop the dialysis myself. I mean, I can't eat the things I want to anymore. It's summer. i'd like to eat watermelon and bananas and ice cream, and too much of any of those can kill me. I'd like to be able to go out places and meet people. The only people I generally meet are in dialysis and I keep wondering which one of us will die first.
I don't want to be ungrateful or sound that way, but I kind of wonder, what is the point to my being here. Everyone else in dialysis have thier lives. You know, husbands, wives, families, careers.
I always feel like I don't belong. All my friends have been through college and are preparing for thier lives and careers--one is expecting a child.
And then there's me.
I'm just here and that's about it. Other people tell me I'm important and things like that, but I don't feel it. I don't feel like I'm making an impact on the world like I'd want. If I was healthy, I'd have gone to college to be a teacher so I could educate the children. That would have made an impact--educating the children. Teach them to read and write and do math. That would have been a joy for me.
Now all I do is write stories for an MJ website. I mean I enjoy writing about Michael and working on the website, but really, if it wasn't for writing the website, I would not get out of bed to find my laptop or sit at my desk top and work.
I kind of smother myself in MJ to not think about dialysis. I have three different story threads on the MJ fanclub. A long story, a thread of horror stories, and a thread of eroticas. And I am ALWAYS trying to smother myself in stories and writing to try to get away from my illness. From the scars on my arms and chest. From the tiredness and lethargy I feel after dialysis.
I write to make it feel like I've done something with my day. I feel like the day is at a waste if I haven't written part of a chapter or outlined a story. Or researched a story.
Really, Michael Jackson is my escape and makes me happy. He is the only thing that makes me happy.
Once upon a time, I wanted to be a novelist to have a life. Now I just live to write.
I don't know if I'm rambling or making sense. But I'm just trying to explain how I feel and how dialysis has made me feel and everything. Maybe someone will understand. I don't know. I just wanted to say this. That's all.
My next post will be brighter--I swear! LOL. Just wanted to be serious for a moment.
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