A Day In The Life...

As many of you may know, I have been on dialysis almost three years now. And one of the very first things the doctors and nurses told me when I started dialysis, was that the treatment would provide me with “a better quality of life”.

Almost three years later, I have found that to be an out and out LIE.

Before dialysis, I had some semblance of a life. But now, I really don’t.

I used to go out to the mall and out to places to eat and out to movies and I had a group of friends I used to hang out with.

Now, all but one of my friends have moved away and I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the last one takes off too. They all have lives and things to do and I have nothing at all to fill my day.

My typical day now--when I don’t go to dialysis--usually starts around 10 am when I get up. (there are some days I stay in bed until the afternoon if dialysis really drained me)

Then I spend the next 12 or 15 hours on my laptop computer, writing or looking on the internet or chatting.

Somewhere along the way, I might eat something for lunch and dinner and then it’s time to go to bed again and go back to dialysis in the morning.

And that’s my entire day. I don’t really go anywhere or go see people.

Because why would I bore someone with talking about else dialysis or Michael Jackson. I don’t really have anything else to talk about because I don’t do anything else worth talking about.

I know people could ask why I don’;t go to school or work. I can’t.

With dialysis, there’s no telling how I’ll feel from day to day. Some days I feel just fine, almost like I was really well and other days, I simply cannot move out of the bed. And I know it would be a waste of everyone’s time and money for me to try to go to college when I wouldn’t be able to sit in class or pay attention. I can;’t take that spot from an able bodied person.

There’s just days where I sit and really, honestly in my heart regret I started dialysis. There’s never a day that I’m thankful I took it or am on it. I’m never glad that I’m on dialysis. I am always, always, ALWAYS regretful I started it.

To be truthful the only reason I started it was because my dad promised to get me a ticket to see Michael Jackson on his This Is It tours.

Had I known Michael was going to croak just 2 months later-just long enough for me to get tangled in all this mess--I would NEVER have done it.

Never, never take dialysis. You’ll be so miserable on it. If you have a choice, you’d rather die. Trust me, you would. Because you’ll live and see life passing you by. That’s all I see, life passing me by.

I’m 25 years old and feel like I’m 75, like I’m at the end of my life span not the beginning of it.

And that’s an awful feeling to have every single day of your life. I do.

Not Doing Much...

Hey Y'all!

I know I haven't posted in a while and I'm sorry for that. In between dialysis, and working on my various stories that I like writing, I haven't found time to do much else.

Well that's not entirely true. Last week I went to a sushi house with my friend Ebonie and damn near killed myself when I tried wasabi for the first--and last--time. It felt like my entire face had been set on fire and I swear that is the only time a meal has made me cry! Ha-ha!!!!


That ish is dangerous!

But I do plan to do more, and blog more about it.